


End of the Story is Inevitably Tragic

by katoshi (rmeij)



Series: too young to feel something real [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Declarations Of Love, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Love Languages, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Out of Character, Requited Unrequited Love, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, funny i guess? idk i tried to make it funny, long-term one-sided love, mild forms of manipulation, thinking thoughts, ushioi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:00:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28046595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rmeij/pseuds/katoshi
Summary: He could feel his chest tighten. He couldn’t breathe. Everything was so overwhelming. Words kept leaving his mouth without him ever being able to stop it. Never in his life has this happened to him, where he couldn’t control what was coming out of his mouth.—Ushijima's love as he knew it was one-sided. So he tried his best to at least get close to Oikawa now that they're on the same team in University. Will his relationship progress further? Or will everything end in a way that is inevitably tragic?—college au | oocm for spicy angst
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: too young to feel something real [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120961
Comments: 31
Kudos: 106





	1. high as the line gets him that his credit card cuts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: blackbear - 90210

He remembered that day when his mother remarried in his third year of middle school. It was a strange match in his opinion. The man was very different from his father, and compared to his mother, he was brass, wild and loud. Just like his son. That day, Ushijima Wakatoshi became Terushima Yuuji’s older brother. That day happened to also be exactly a week after he first met Oikawa.  
  
It was nostalgic, in a way, the moment he came across his first love. Their eyes met across the court, and he couldn’t understand why this person with an undeniable amount of skill wasn’t in his team. He’s never noticed him before in the longstanding rivalry Kitagawa Daiichi had with Shiratorizawa. He must have improved over the past couple of years. He couldn’t imagine what he would be like if he went to Shiratorizawa.  
  
He will always deny the fact that the only reason why he remembers his mother’s wedding was because he was mesmerised by someone else. Because that day, he recognised the feeling of seeing Oikawa for the first time to the look that Terushima Eiji had when he saw his mother walk down the aisle on the day of their wedding. Mesmerised by the woman he loved who agreed to be with him in sickness and in health, for many years to come. He knew how he felt, and he wished he could put it into words how much that split second when his mother’s hands touched his step- father’s, he wished he could have done it with Oikawa Tooru.

* * *

Ushijima has always been silent. A man of few words. The silence was comfortable. Many thought he was stiff and tried to figure him out. He likes to think that he’s normal. Yuuji and Tendou disagree.

When he first met Yuuji, the boy was annoying. He reminded him a bit of Tendou, but with 50% more of the loudness and childlike wonder that Ushijima grew out of in kindergarten. The younger insisted that Ushijima called him Yuuji. They were only a year apart, and for some reason that mildly annoyed his mother, Yuuji didn’t pass his transfer exams to go to Shiratorizawa. Tendou thinks he did it on purpose because Yuuji thinks the uniforms are ugly.

Yuuji has always been better at romance than Ushijima. They’ve been occupying the same family registry for almost five years now, and Ushijima has never seen his younger brother single. Always a new girlfriend. Sometimes, once every blue moon, he would have a boyfriend. So in spite of his mild annoyance of having to ask someone younger than him for romantic advice, he confided in Yuuji about his one-sided love. He never said who it was, but Yuuji had a grasp of what was going on. Ushijima accepts that some people are better at things than others, and he knew for a fact that he couldn’t ask his teammates. Especially Tendou. Tendou was just as bad at romance as he was. Semi was slightly better, but they weren’t that close. Tendou claims that it’s because of Ushijima’s ‘social ineptitude’. Whatever that means.

So, Naturally, Ushijima would ask him questions, questions like _how do I get him to like me back? What should I do for his birthday?_ “How do I get over someone I’ve been in love with for many years?”

* * *

His first day in University was interesting because he didn’t think he would ever see Oikawa ever again after his fateful encounter with him in the Preliminaries for Nationals. He’s only ever seen him through stolen glances in practice matches and training camps, and blunt exchanges of him telling the setter to transfer to Shiratorizawa. Where he could have excelled. The coaches often put together practice matches between the schools, even though Coach Washijou prefered to drill his team by making them play against College students. But when he saw the familiar brown locks sitting right in front of him inside the lecture hall, he felt his heart skip a beat. It was him. They shared a class. They were at the same University. It was like a miracle. Finally, God has bestowed upon him the gift of maybe becoming closer to the person that he’s been in love with for three years.

He later found out that they were both on the Volleyball team. He was glad Oikawa still played. He knew that his injury was worsened when he fell on his bad knee during the Seijoh vs Karasuno match. He remembered seeing Oikawa’s slight limp straight after the match. That day, he wished he said something better instead of what he did. He wanted so badly to ask if he was okay. He wanted to pull him in his arms and console him. Everything in his mind told him to say something nice. Just like what Yuuji told him to do. Say something nice. Anything nice.

Instead, he rubbed salt in Oikawa’s fresh wound. Accidentally. It was a compliment of skill. He did say with his skill, he could have won with Shiratorizawa.

_Deep breaths, Wakatoshi. Keep it cool._

_Should he say anything? Is he allowed to say anything?_

_“If you want to get close to someone, just say something nice,”_ Yuuji’s words echoed inside his head. _“Anything nice.”_

Ushijima opened his mouth to say something. “That’s it for today. Class dismissed.”

_Fuck._

* * *

He stared at the balls in the middle of the court. Blankly. Blinking slowly every time Oikawa would point out that he kept missing the tosses. The coach paired them for Spiking drills. Ushijima got lost in Oikawa’s eyes. Have his eyelashes always been this long? He’s never really noticed them. He’s always admired Oikawa’s great physique from a distance. He was lean and tall, with a very attractive face. His features complemented his face greatly. It was very symmetrical. Ushijima found it pleasing to look at.

“It’s like I’m talking to a damned brick wall,” Oikawa grumbled. “I can’t practice with him anymore. Coach! Can I practice with someone else?”

Ushijima blinked. _No, don’t go. Our eyes rarely meet, and I was happily counting every little freckle you had on your nose. You’re very pretty, you know. Your eyes have a tinge to it that I can’t put into words how much I enjoy looking at them. They remind me of clear night skies back in Miyagi. I wish I could tell you all of this, but every time I open my mouth, you glare at me. Please, don’t go._

“Oikawa, you have the least synergy with Ushijima. I’m not letting you practice with a friend. You need to connect with every single person on the team.”

He could hear Oikawa whine loudly as he picked up another ball. “Don’t miss this time, Ushiwaka.”

Ushijima nodded.

* * *

_“I mean, the best way to make them like you and help with them getting angry is food. I always take my girlfriends out to dinner, especially when they’re having a bad day. Maybe try asking them_ _out to eat with you?”_

“Uh. Oikawa. Did you eat dinner?” he asked. He was nervous. Hopefully, he didn’t sound threatening.

They were picking up balls after practice. Oikawa squinted. “If you count eating all the shit from you missing balls earlier as dinner, then yeah, sure, I’ve had dinner, Ushiwaka.”

“I don’t think that’s particularly healthy.” Ushijima joked. Deadpan. Damn, he sounded serious. He wasn’t.

Oikawa’s jaw dropped. _He looks so cute when he’s confused. But what’s so confusing about what he said? Obviously eating poop is not healthy. Or hygienic. Granted, he heard from his mother’s colleagues at the Family Agriculture Structuring Plant that faeces is particularly dense in nutrition and can be great to further plant growth. Not that humans should eat faeces. And it’s not like he was being serious. People make jokes._ “I-No words. None.”

Ushijima took a deep breath. “I want to apologise to you for being absent during practice. I was being difficult.” Ushijima said. “Would you like to have dinner with me? I will pay.”

Yuuji told him free food is a good way to get people to like him. He doubts that Oikawa will immediately like him after this, but it was worth a shot. They were on the same team now. It would be good for their synergy at least. But he wanted it to be good for more than just that. He could imagine one day being with Oikawa and having dinner to celebrate a birthday or an anniversary. Maybe they could go to a nice restaurant and have champagne, illuminated by the stars in the night sky as they celebrate finally coming together and being in love with each other. He loved that idea. He wishes it was a reality.

“What are we eating?”

“Anything you want.”

Oikawa smiled. Well, he looked like he was smiling. He had a sinister tinge in his eye, but he still looked handsome nonetheless.

“Okay.”

* * *

“You’re really okay with me doing this?” Oikawa asked, dumbfounded that Ushijima didn’t say a word when he ordered the most expensive set on the menu. Of course he wouldn’t. Yuuji said it wasn’t cool for a man to complain about the bill whenever they go on dates.

“It’s fine,” Ushijima took a sip of his water, “I owe you.”

Well, he would be lying if he didn’t choke a bit when he ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. But he was well off enough. Hopefully, his mother doesn’t question the extra charge he’s going to put on his credit card. She rarely checks and just pays for it anyway. Maybe she’ll be happy that her son is going on a ‘date’.

But is this a date, though? Ushijima didn’t necessarily ask Oikawa out on a date. It was just dinner. Apology dinner. He just wants Oikawa to like him at least, just a little bit. A small, minuscule part is fine.

“Why did you just stand there while we were doing drills?”

Ushijima blinked. Should he tell Oikawa that he got lost in his eyes? Or would that be too cheesy and out of character for him? Maybe he should lie. _Yes. Channel his inner Yuuji. Lie. Yuuji lies to all his girlfriends. Lying can be good in moderation to stop yourself from saying things that could potentially be something that you do not mean. Lying is fine. Lie. Just lie. Say that there was a bug on the court. Anything. Lie._ “I was distracted.”

Oikawa made a face that Ushijima couldn’t describe. It was the face Yuuji would use whenever he wanted to look cool in front of his girlfriends. A smirk, for short. “Distracted, huh? By what? Were you lost in my eyes or something?”

_Oh shit, he’s been caught. Now Oikawa will think he’s disgusting and a terrible person. He’s going to find out that he’s been in love with him ever since he saw him in Middle School. Ushijima is doomed. Now he has to confess. Tell him everything._ “I-“

“I mean, I know I’m gorgeous and all,” Oikawa laughed. _Okay, he’s joking. Obviously, he’s joking. Maybe he’s joking. But is he joking? What if he’s serious? Ushijima has been dreaming of dating Oikawa for the longest time. Maybe they’ll go to the Netherlands to get married and raise dogs together in a townhouse near the city._ “But we’re in the big leagues now. You can’t get distracted. Idiot.”

Ah, a joke. Obviously. There’s no way Oikawa would like him back. Why would he? Oikawa hated him. He hated him for years. He knew that. It was obvious. He wasn’t stupid.

“Seriously, though, I can’t figure out what’s in that head of yours.”

Ushijima paused. “Talking gets difficult.”

“Well, if you don’t speak to anyone you won’t make friends,” Oikawa said, “I mean, I’m willing to put past all the shit we went through in high school so our team can be the best it can be, but it’s hard if you don’t communicate.” Oikawa put a piece of Wagyu in his mouth. Ushijima can feel the number of zeroes on the bill from the way Oikawa chewed the piece of meat. “I know girls like the ‘mysterious type’, but there’s a point where ‘mysterious’ becomes an emotional brick wall, and you’re really close to 'brick wall' right now.”

“Elaborate.”

“It’s a metaphor.” 

“Okay.”

* * *

“You draw?” 

Ushijima jolted.

Art was something that Tendou got Ushijima into back when they were in High School. Only a few people knew that he liked drawing, but it was something that kept his hands occupied during the last semester of his third year after he retired from the Volleyball club. He wasn’t good at drawing people, but he was fairly adept at drawing landscapes and architectures. It was from all of the times he’s borrowed Tendou’s Weekly Manga Magazines. The art was interesting to him, even though he didn’t understand the logic of some of the stories that were printed in there. He found the advertisements amusing as well. Every bit of those magazines was great. It got him really into art. He would draw little things on the corners of his notebooks until Tendou got him a fancy drawing set for his birthday. It was one of the two things he liked other than volleyball. He also enjoyed literature.

These days, he’s been drawing little caricatures of small animals who would lie down under the sun near his field of vision. He had some doodles of Oikawa from class, only because they sat across from each other in every single classroom they shared.  
  
He instinctively closed his sketchbook as Oikawa took a seat next to him. 

Oikawa smirked. “Shy, aren’t we?”

“I’m not very good.”  
  
“But you’re good at everything.” 

“No, I am not.”

Oikawa smiled, “Surely you’re at least okay at it,” he said, “Show me.”  
  
Ushijima was reluctant. He didn’t want to show Oikawa the deepest bits of his mind. It was uncomfortable showing this weak side of him. But at the same time, he wanted to get close to him. He wanted to be able, to be honest. Plus, he didn’t want Oikawa to see all the little drawings he did of him. It was embarrassing.  
  
“No.”  
  
Oikawa sighed, “Fine, fine. Whatever,” he said, “It’s not like you’re hiding pictures of me inside of that little sketchbook of yours.”  
  
His mind was trying to comprehend what to do in this situation. It’s not like he could text Yuuji, Tendou or Semi asking what to do. No one has ever found out about his little drawing habits or even had a slight bit of interest in anything he does outside of volleyball. This was foreign territory for him.  
  
“I’m just kidding, Ushiwaka,” Oikawa laughed, “Draw me sometimes.”

* * *

Dinner with Oikawa became a regular occurrence. Yuuji was so proud of him when he told him that he’s been going out with the person he liked for dinner once a week after practice. Oikawa always chooses where they eat. It’s now a week before Oikawa’s birthday, and they planned to get dinner for the day. Ushijima was mildly confused because he was certain Oikawa would spend it with his girlfriend. When he asked, Oikawa laughed and said, “I don’t have a girlfriend right now.”

Was it weird to spend a birthday with a guy? He’s never really celebrated his birthday before, so he wouldn’t know. But he would love to maybe spend it with Oikawa in the future. It would probably be nice. They would probably spend it somewhere nice and warm, cuddled up in a blanket eating a small cake and having dinner at home. Ushijima liked the thought of that, just spending time with someone he loved.

“What do I get for the person I like for their birthday?” Ushijima asked Yuuji. Yuuji was visiting because mother wants him to go to University. Yuuji wants to be a hairstylist. Eiji-san said that they would put him in an apprenticeship if he got into University and actually graduates.

Yuuji shrugged, “What do they like?”

_What does Oikawa like? All he’s ever seen is Oikawa the Volleyball player; he’s never been friends with Oikawa the person. Or even had any sort of relationship with him other than rivalry._ “Milkbread and Volleyball?”

Yuuji pursed his eyes, “Do you know nothing about this person?” 

Ushijima blinked. “What’s wrong with the information I just gave you?”

“That’s nothing!” Yuuji shouted, “I know more about Ennoshita than you know anything about whoever you’ve been crushing on for the past three years!”

“Who’s Ennoshita?”

Yuuji groaned. “Okay. You’ve known this person for years, and you only know two things about them. That’s ridiculous. I bet you got that information from a Volleyball Magazine or something.” Ushijima blinked twice. “No, you didn’t. Wakatoshi. Tell me that’s a lie.”

“It’s a lie.”

Yuuji laughed, “Holy shit. How is this possible. How is it that you’ve been in love with this person for a long time and you never got to know them?”

_He hates me. He really hates me. To the point that sometimes it’s unbearable for me to remember that deep down, he probably still hates me and is just going to dinner with me so he can use me for my money. But I like to think that there’s a bit of him that likes me. Just one tiny bit, so I can fool myself into thinking that this could work._ “I can’t say.”

“Everyone likes chocolate. Maybe you can go to the shop Tendou-san works in and get a discount?” Yuuji suggested, “It’s a nice and fancy chocolate place, and since I know that you’ve been going to all the most expensive restaurants in the Miyagi prefecture that they’ll probably appreciate it.”

* * *

He thought chocolates would be boring. He honestly thinks that just giving Oikawa chocolates for his birthday is stupid, regardless of the amount of money he’s going to spend on it. As he walked to Tendou’s workplace, he wondered what else he could give someone that he barely knew about. He hated Yuuji for pointing out that he knew basically nothing about Oikawa. Only the things that were written about him in the magazines. He disliked the thought of giving such a shallow present. He wanted to give him something meaningful. Something nice. Something interesting.  
  
“Hi Wakatoshi,” Tendou smiled. Tendou’s life is interesting. After high school, he decided to go to culinary school and focus on becoming a chocolatier. Something that no one thought that he would do. Tendou loves his job, and he gives the best dessert recommendations. He’s one of the top employees of his workplace, and he’s worked very hard to get there. “What can I get you today?”  
  
“I’m not sure,” Ushijima said, “I’m getting something for someone’s birthday.”

“Someone special?”

Ushijima smiled, “Yes.”

* * *

Tendou made him buy an expensive chocolate set that’s very popular with boyfriends trying to get their girlfriend something nice. His words, not Ushijima’s. He wrapped it delicately in nice packaging, and told him to keep it out of extreme heat. Ushijima nodded and planned to keep it in his fridge and to bring it tomorrow.

He walked past a bookstore on his way home. He missed reading. It was one of the few things he enjoyed. He found complex prose interesting. Figuring out the author’s intent helped him understand more of the world, and whenever he reads, people don’t ask him silly questions.

He browsed and quickly read through some fiction books. He thought, maybe he should give one to Oikawa. He didn’t know if he liked books, but it would be a nice present to give someone. He wondered what Oikawa would like. Maybe not Murakami, since Oikawa didn’t seem like a person who would like sitting down and reading long novels. He looked at some modern reprints of Dazai Osamu’s older works from the 1940s. He paused to think. He did enjoy some of Dazai’s work. Shayo, in particular, was an enjoyable read. A bit dark, maybe something less dark.

_Hashire Merosu._ Good enough.

* * *

Ushijima was nervous. This was something he has pictured in his mind over and over again. Celebrating a birthday with Oikawa in a fancy restaurant where they get to pop champagne and Oikawa will smile at him, hold his hand from across the table, and give him a hug right after.  
  
It was a good kind of nervous. Finally, a situation that only happened in his dreams were coming true. Maybe he can fool himself some more and pretend even for a second that Oikawa loved him back just as much. It would be nice, being loved. He saw how Eiji-san treated his mother. All the times the man would bring home flowers just because he thought about her. It was very nice. He wanted that. He didn’t know how to express that he wanted that, but he knew that he did.  
  
But he had to snap back to reality sometimes. “Ready to go, Ushiwaka?”

He nodded, trying his best to pretend to not notice all the other gifts Oikawa was carrying. Probably from all the girls who loved him just as much as Ushijima did.

* * *

“This is nice,” Oikawa said, “I didn’t think you would plan such an elaborate dinner for my birthday. I would’ve worn something nicer.”

Ushijima took a sip of his champagne.

“I mean, this bottle must have cost a fortune.”

_Yes, yes, it did. But I will never tell you that. Not in a million years. As long as you let me fool myself into thinking that you have even the slightest bit of feelings for me. I will buy you anything. I will cherish you with my life._ “Your birthday is a special occasion.”

Oikawa laughed, “That’s funny coming from you, especially since we were rivals in high school.”

_I never thought of you as a rival. I wanted to play alongside you. I idolised you. I wanted to be your equal. Your partner._

“Do you like me or something?”

Ushijima took a bigger sip of his champagne.

_Yes._

* * *

“I got you something,” Ushijima said, before giving Oikawa his birthday presents. “Yuuji told me to never come to a birthday empty-handed.”

“Yuuji? Do I know this person?” Oikawa asked, “And you’ve been buying me dinner for the past three months now. That’s enough for me.”  
  
“Yuuji is my younger brother,” Ushijima said, “He’s a bit more… Socially Competent than I am.” 

“Interesting.” Oikawa nodded. “How old is he?”

“18. He’s a third-year in High School.” 

“Do I know Yuuji?”

Ushijima shrugged, “I don’t believe so, he is a Wing Spiker as well, but I am unsure if you have played against his school’s team.”  
  
“Is he good?”  
  
“I am not sure. He has an interesting play style.” Ushijima explained. “I personally can’t stand playing on the same team as him.”  
  
“Too strong?”  
  
“Too… Irritating and dangerous,” Ushijima paused, “He bounces off walls too much. What he does is not necessary for a good game. He reminds me too much of Spider-Man. I don’t think playing Volleyball like Spider-Man is a good idea for your fibular tendons.”  
  
Oikawa laughed quietly. For the first time after eating dinner with him once a week for a number of weeks, he laughed. Genuine laughter. Oikawa usually would make snide comments about how Ushijima was too quiet. Too boring. How talking to him was dull. But for the first time, he made him laugh.  
  
“Your mind is interesting,” Oikawa smiled, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak more than a sentence.”  
  
Ushijima smiled, “I hope you like the present.”

* * *

_Beep._

**_From: Oikawa Tooru_ **

_Thank you for the book. How did you know I liked Dazai-sensei’s work? All those years of stalking me paid off, huh?_

Ushijima smiled.

* * *

Summer felt hotter than usual. And in a way, even more irritating and loud. Yuuji, Tendou, and Semi have infiltrated his apartment for no reason other than escapism and air conditioning. Semi was yelling at Yuuji for being stupid. Tendou was reading one of Ushijima’s horror mangas while laughing at the two. He regretted introducing Yuuji to his friends. Yuuji brought out the worst in them.  
  
“Toshi-Nii, when are you going to introduce us to your girlfriend?” Ushijima choked.

“Terushima, stop spewing shit out of your mouth and focus,” Semi said, “You can’t try to distract us with petty gossip.”  
  
“It’s not petty gossip, Semi,” Tendou laughed, “Wakatoshi has a girlfriend.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“You spent $60 on chocolates.” Tendou noted. “I’m not lying.”

“Your credit card bill says otherwise,” Yuuji teased, “Come on, Toshi-Nii, is she pretty? She’s probably this gorgeous model with an F-Cup right?”  
  
Ushijima laughed. He thanks God that sometimes Yuuji is dumb as a rock. 

“Toshi-Nii, huh. You only call me that when you want something,” Ushijima retorted, “New PlayStation? New Nintendo Console? What do you want?”  
  
“Please convince mother and dad that hairdressing is not a bad career path.” 

“No.”

* * *

If he could put it into words what attracted him to Oikawa, he wouldn’t say any of his physical features. Of course, it would be a lie if he didn’t think the way Oikawa’s hair fell perfectly onto his eyes wasn’t a sight that was better than any sight he’s ever seen. No, of course not. Oikawa brought out the best in people. He was cunning, observant, and intelligent with leadership skills that rivalled only the Captain of Karasuno in balance. Ushijima will admit that he wasn’t the best Captain. He was the strongest player, sure, but he didn’t support his teammates as much as a leader needed to. Oikawa was mesmerising, and to say that seeing him work harmoniously with Iwaizumi didn’t make him jealous would be a lie. He wanted to be Iwaizumi. Maybe if he was more outgoing and spoke his mind more, Oikawa would like him just a little bit.  
  
He probably only knew one side of him. The one he hated. He didn’t know the Ushijima Wakatoshi that stood outside of the court. The one that reads classic literature and horror comics. The one who’s strangely very good at Mario Kart. The one who likes painting sunsets when he feels overwhelmed. But why would he want to? There’s no incentive for Oikawa to get to know him as someone more than a teammate.  
  
He was, in a way, living the dream now, having Oikawa set for him. It’s what he’s always wanted. To play on the same court with Oikawa Tooru, not as a rival but as a teammate.  
  
He had to focus. Breathe. Close his eyes and imagine how great it would be if they won. How Oikawa would probably smile as bright as the sun. He’s never seen it. All he’s ever seen were quiet, disappointed tears hidden away from everyone else. Ones that he most likely had caused.  
  
It hurt him to reflect on how much his ego had caused Oikawa pain.  
  
Maybe Shiratorizawa didn’t need to go to Nationals that many times in a row. 

“Ushiwaka!”

He took a deep breath and jumped.

* * *

“We won by a landslide, huh?” Oikawa grinned, “I’ve never seen you play like that before.” Ushijima shrugged. “I wanted us to win.”

“You played all three sets with no breaks and hit every single toss I threw at you AND scored,” Oikawa pointed out, “That’s some mad level playing, Ushiwaka.”

_I was thinking about how much winning would make you happy._ “It was okay.”

Oikawa laughed. “Wow. What a short answer for the amount of time you spent trying to say something.” Oikawa smiled, “I wish you would let me into that head of yours.” He said. “Dinner’s on me tonight.”

* * *

“Iwa messaged me, finally, that prick,” Oikawa said, “He’s in California now. He thinks everyone who’s hitting on him is trying to use him to get to me. What an idiot.”

“I feel like I should not comment on Iwaizumi-san’s personal life.” Oikawa groaned, “Just. Gossip with me, you big oaf.”

Ushijima slurped his noodles. “I don’t know him personally. And I’m not the right person to comment on whether or not someone is being an idiot around their potential love interests.”

_Especially since I’m being an idiot in front of mine._

“He’s surprised that you have layers other than being a scary volleyball man.” 

“I don’t think I’m that scary.”

Oikawa chuckled, “Yeah. You’re just a boring finance major now.”

“You’re wrong,” Ushijima said, “I’m not a finance major. I’m a Design and Advertising major.” 

Oikawa’s eyes widened. “No.”

“Yes,” Ushijima said. “Wow, Oikawa, you know nothing about me. I’m hurt. I’ve spent so much money on us, and you know nothing about me.”

“Is that a joke?”

“Did you really think I was incapable of humour?” Ushijima said, using formal speech. He knew that the fact that he doesn’t use formal speech in real-life surprises many people. It surprised Soekawa and Reon when they first met him. People had very one-dimensional perspectives about him. Many girls thought he resembled a Tsundere manga protagonist. In all honesty, he just didn’t know how to elaborate his thoughts without rambling. His mother scolded him as a child for it.

“I-“

“Dinner is on you, right?” Ushijima said softly, “Auntie, can I please have another serving of noodles? Thank you.”

* * *

“Are you still close with your schoolmates?”

Ushijima shrugged, “Semi tutors my younger brother and Tendou is my best friend,” he answered,

“I assume you’re still close with yours?”

“Iwa is impossible to contact because of the time difference, but Mattsun, Makki and I hang out sometimes. They think it’s weird that I hang out with you, though.”

“Anyone would think it’s weird,” Ushijima said.

“I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you made a joke earlier.” Oikawa said. “Damn, that took me by surprise.”

“I joke a lot, you just never notice,” Ushijima shrugged, “And I’ve been told that I should open up to people more.”

“Yeah, obviously. Mattsun told me that you remind him of an alien from Mars trying to connect with the human species.”

“How rude. I have feelings too.”

Oikawa laughed. “Damn. I wanna kiss you now. You’re so stupid.”

_Please do._

* * *

“Please go home, Yuuji.”

Yuuji whined, “But I like your apartment. It’s all bland. Strangely peaceful.”

“You’re so annoying,” Ushijima sighed, “You can’t keep running away every time Mother and Eiji-san tell you off. That’s childish.”

Yuuji stuck his tongue out at him, “You know you can call him dad, right? Our parents have been married for more than five years now. He considers you more of a son than he does me. Keeps yapping about how I should be more like you.”

Ushijima shrugged, “You have good qualities that I lack, though.”

“Like what? You’re all. Perfect and shit.” Yuuji said, “Stiff, but perfect. Kinda like mom.”

_I’m anything but._

* * *

His eyes felt hazy underneath his glasses. It was the third project he had to finish before next week, and he’s already tired. He disliked storyboarding. He’s concerned to why this subject was mandatory for his major. He’s been awake for more than 36 hours now. He felt delirious.  
  
He’s not good at putting his thoughts onto paper. Just like he’s not very good in conversation. He was never like this as a child. He was imaginative and bold, but mother would always scold him for being too much to handle. Eventually, he went quieter.  
  
His father used to love his stories, though. He’s always encouraged him to do better. To express himself. To try new things.  
  
His father played volleyball. He told him to play and make friends. He’s probably proud of him for making friends now.  
  
“You’re a liar, Ushiwaka. You’re really good.”

He blinked slowly to try to refocus his eyes. He was in the first year arts study room. There is no way Oikawa Tooru was sitting right in front of him, touching his storyboards. It was his brain manifesting him from his imagination. Oikawa would never willingly compliment him. That’s just a figment of his imagination.  
  
It was a dream, anyway. “I’m not that good.” He sighed, his eyes felt heavy. “I wish you would stop calling me that.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Ushiwaka,” Ushijima said. “Such an uncreative nickname. I wish you came up with a better one. I wish it didn’t catch on with my old teammates. So annoying.”  
  
“What do you want me to call you, then?”  
  
Ushijima shrugged. “Anything. Ushijima. Wakatoshi. Anything but that.”

Oikawa grinned. “Okay then, Waka-Chan.”

He groaned. But whatever. It’s just a dream anyway. It was his brain tricking him so he’ll be happy and forget the suffering that is his final for this subject.  
  
“That’s worse. You’re lucky you’re pretty,” Ushijima sighed, “Otherwise, I would be very angry.”

“How so?”

“Your nicknames are silly. But you’re pretty, so I’ll let it slide.” Ushijima twirled his fingers between a strand of Oikawa’s hair. “Pretty with silky hair.”  
  
“Go to sleep, Ushijima.”  
  
“Mmkay,” he mumbled, closing his eyes, “Goodnight, I love you.”

* * *

_Capitalism._

Ushijima stared at the credit card his mother gave him when he first got into Shitarorizawa. She was too busy to give him his allowance at that point. Eiji-san thought it was a bad idea. He didn’t use it. Kinda.

He doesn’t want to talk about it.

“You’ve been using that a lot,” Yuuji said, “Mom’s been asking me if I’ve stolen yours.”

“Go home, Yuuji.”

“Not until you talk to her about my future.”

“Please just go to College,” Ushijima said, “Be a dance major or something. That’ll show her.”

Yuuji’s eyes lit up. “You’re smart, Wakatoshi.”

Money runs the world. Money makes the world go around. Money is probably the only reason why Oikawa texts him back.

It’s grim thinking about it. But maybe he can fool himself just for a minute. Maybe Oikawa finds him funny now or something. He vaguely remembers making him laugh.

~~But that was when someone accidentally spiked a ball straight to the back of his head.~~

Okay, but they like the same author.

~~Maybe Oikawa was just being polite.~~

“You’re thinking too hard, you’re gonna get wrinkles,” Yuuji laughed, “Actually. Think some more. Get wrinkles. Maybe I’ll finally be the better looking Ushijima sibling.”

But he digresses.

Maybe he should pick up another hobby. Well. Whatever he’s doing is not a hobby.

Ushijima is starting to get doubts in his actions. Is it really worth it for him to stick to Oikawa like this? It’s not like they have a relationship to begin with. But all he’s been doing this entire year was buy him food and maybe talk to him. Their relationship was going nowhere, and maybe it was best to move on. Give up.

What was he doing, anyway? It’s not like Oikawa liked him. He’s never liked him platonically, so why would he like him romantically?

He’s never been one to give up. But right now, he’s going through a lot. Is what he’s doing worth it in the long run, especially since Oikawa probably feels nothing for him?

It’s not like they’re going on dates. It’s not like he’s said anything about his feelings. Nothing of the sort. But maybe he should say something. It would stop the confusion.

It’s been almost a year since he’s been trying to get Oikawa to like him. 11 months of buying him dinner, 11 months of being a teammate, 11 months of being Ushijima Wakatoshi, Oikawa Tooru’s brand new alien friend from mars who doesn’t say much but takes him out to fancy dinners once a week after practice at 8pm like clockwork.

It’s not like he’s expecting much. It’s not like he’s expecting to be Ushijima Wakatoshi, Oikawa Tooru’s boyfriend. But having his feelings reciprocated would be nice. It’s been one-sided for years now. He really didn’t want to let it stay one-sided for more than five years, that would be sad.

Next time. He’ll ask him next time. And even if he says no, he’ll try his best to survive by Oikawa’s side as a friend and a teammate the other could count on.

~~He's probably using you for money.~~

* * *

“It’s cold,” Oikawa whined. They were in morning practice, and Coach told them to run laps around the campus to warm up. It was cold, yes, and they were wearing athleticwear in the cold. Winter was coming to an end, but Spring has yet to come. Today was particularly chilly, and they had to run to warm up before they get ready for the Spring Intercollegiate qualifiers.  
  
“One more lap, don’t worry.”  
  
“Easy for you to say, Ushiwaka, you’re a fucking tank.”

Ushijima chuckled. “I’ll buy you Udon tonight if you want?”

“I don’t want udon,” Oikawa frowned, “I want a blanket. Maybe five.”

“Sure.”  
  
“Stop making fun of me.”  
  
“I’m not. I will buy you five blankets.”

“Shut up,” Oikawa laughed, “Udon it is.”

* * *

_Like Clockwork. 8pm. Once a week._

Ushijima made up his mind that today was going to be the day where he confesses to Oikawa. After four years of being in love with him in secret, today was the day that he was going to say it out loud. He’s prepared himself for every worst-case scenario. If Oikawa laughs at him, he knew how to laugh it off too. If Oikawa cusses him out, he knew how to make sure he doesn’t cry. If Oikawa never wants to see him or talk to him ever again, he’s ready for it.

They didn’t have afternoon practice today because Coach thinks that they shouldn’t strain themselves before the Spring Intercollegiate League. Most days they worked on strength and conditioning, as well as stamina so they can play an entire game. So they agreed to meet somewhere on campus.

Ushijima has prepared himself for the absolute worst. But he didn’t prepare himself for whatever he heard at this second coming out of Oikawa Tooru’s mouth. Nothing could prepare him for whatever that was.

Mainly because inside, he expected it to happen.

He was sitting on a bench underneath a tree, scrolling away on his phone waiting for Oikawa to come to meet him.

When he heard Oikawa’s familiar laugh, he was tempted to go up to him and ask if he’s ready to go. They were going to be late for their dinner reservation. But he was with someone else. A petite young lady.

Ushijima is not stupid. He also has eyes. He can tell that she’s a very attractive young woman. She was dressed well in clothes that suit her, with sparkling eyes and soft-looking hair that was styled nicely. She was a pretty girl standing next to a pretty boy.

“Oikawa, you’re friends with Ushijima right?” She asked, “If someone were to want to confess to him, how should they do it?

Oikawa laughed, “Why, though? There’s nothing good about him other than his money.”

“Don’t say that! Ushijima is a very good man.”

“It’s true, though, that man has nothing but money and brute strength,” Oikawa smiled, “It would be better if that person chose someone like me instead.”

And there it was. The little voice inside his head. The one that’s been bothering him for the past couple of months now. _There’s no way someone like Oikawa would genuinely like you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i watched the entirety of haikyuu as a bet and came out of it thinking "what is going on inside ushijima's head"
> 
> i wrote this as a stress relief from uni lmao and now that i've graduated i decided to post it. i lit said ew a 4k word paper? gonna write a 10k word plus fic to destress i guess :D (i'm still in the progress of writing this tbh so its 10k and in progress, i would say i'm almost done)
> 
> please let me know what you think so far! i split this into parts because i wanted it to hurt a bit lol. first haikyuu fic but not really my first fic so i really wanna know people's thoughts (this is a new pseud lol)
> 
> also i wanted to make him sound a bit stiff at first bc he's speaking formally. idk if that worked. tbh im unsure. just lemme know what u think haha i like responding to comments and stuff
> 
> (edit 19/12/20: grammar and spelling mistakes! there was a lot that i missed! Sorry about that!


	2. it's not right but life's not fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: blackbear - wish u the best

_Cancel._ It was the only thing that was going through his head. _Cancel the reservation._ _Heck. Cancel everything. Stop it. Stop everything._ Never in his life that he would think that the one bad thought that he had about Oikawa was right. He wasn’t prepared for _that_.

Every single scenario he’s prepared for ended in rejection. Nothing for finding out that Oikawa has been using him the entire time.

“Hey Ushiwaka!” Oikawa smiled, “Ready to go?”

“I-Uh, Yuuji. I have to pick up my younger brother.”

“It’s late.”

“Cram school. H-he had cram school. I have to go. Right now.”

Oikawa smiled, “Surely Yuuji can go home by himself tonight.”

He could feel his chest tighten. He couldn’t breathe. Everything was so overwhelming. Words kept leaving his mouth without him ever being able to stop it. Never in his life has this happened to him, where he couldn’t control what was coming out of his mouth. He was stammering nonsense, trying to get out of this situation. He didn’t know what to say. He’s always been quiet, but he’s never been lost for words.

“What’s wrong?”

Ushijima stared at him. From an outside perspective, nothing should be wrong. There’s nothing going on, and he should accept it. Smile and tell him there’s nothing going on. He’s got this. He can lie. _Lie. Tell Oikawa everything was okay._

But he couldn’t.

“Oh my god,” Oikawa gasped, “Fuck. Don’t cry. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong,” Ushijima stuttered, “There’s something in my eye. I’m okay.”

Tears kept falling down his eyes. It won’t stop. Fuck. He can’t lie if he doesn’t stop crying. He needs to stop. Please stop.

“Tell me.”

_Lie. Just lie, Wakatoshi. You’ve lied before. Make sure you say anything but the one thing that you planned to say before you found out about everything. Don’t tell him that you love him. It’s not worth it. Anything but that._ “I loved you.”

“Huh?”

Words came out of his mouth. Everything that he’s tried to stop himself from saying came out like a broken dam that’s about to overflow. Flooding the cities underneath the mountain. Drowning everything in sight.

“I loved you. I am in love with you. I have loved you since the first time I saw you.” He said. “I thought our relationship was going somewhere. I thought, maybe, just maybe, you at least wanted to be my friend. But you did not. You don’t care about me.”

“Wait!” Oikawa shouted. “Ushijima!”

He said too much. It just came out. Like something that he couldn’t control. Words spewing out of his mouth that he didn’t want to say. A confession that has been suppressed for too long coming out to destroy his life once and for all.

Oikawa was speaking to him, but he couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t discern the expression on Oikawa’s face. His vision was too blurry. He needed to run away. He has to escape.

He rubbed his eyes before taking out his car keys and driving himself away. And when he was far enough, he stopped the car and took out his phone.

_“Before you tell me to go home again, I won’t go home until you tell our parents that I can do whatever I want with my future since they think I’m going through a crisis and they trust you even though you’re only a year older than me.”_

“How do I get over someone I’ve been in love with for many years?”

* * *

Silence. The silence was uncomfortable. It was the kind of silence where the tension was heavy. Yuuji seemed like he was too scared to ask anything. Ushijima was too tired of thinking about the reality of his situation to speak.

He’s weirdly thankful Yuuji never listens to him, because if he had to be alone right now, he wouldn’t know what to do.

“I’ll talk to our parents.”

“No, you don’t need to,” Yuuji said, “Just tell me what’s wrong.”

After the incident, he drove around in circles nearly emptying his gas tank. The only thing convincing him to drive back home to his apartment building was the warning signs on his car telling him that if he doesn’t fill up the tank now, he will be stranded in the middle of nowhere in the midst of his miniature breakdown. Well, that was the only word that could describe what was going on inside his head.

Damn, how is he going to face the team next? After everything he’s done to try to fix his relationship with Oikawa, his emotions got the better of him and ruined everything. He wished he was better at lying. He should’ve stayed quiet. Said nothing. It would have been better that way.

“I’ll say something then, Wakatoshi,” Yuuji took a breath, “Whatever it is, I’m here for you. Even though all I do is give you shit, I care about you. And whoever that person was who hurt you to the point where you came home at 3am with swollen eyes? Tendou-san, Semi-san, and I will take care of them. Okay?”

Ushijima chuckled, a small one to break his silence, “Thanks, Yuuji.”

* * *

_Incline 5. Speed 12._

“Wakatoshi, can we talk?”

_Earphones in._

_Now playing, ‘yuuji made this playlist because wakatoshi doesn’t know how to use spotify’._

* * *

_Incline 5. Speed 12._

“You can’t ignore me forever.”

_Yes I can. Earphones in._

_Now playing, ‘yuuji made this playlist because wakatoshi doesn’t know how to use spotify’._

* * *

_Incline 5. Speed 12._

_Earphones in._

_Now playing, ‘yuuji made this playlist because wakatoshi doesn’t know how to use spotify’._

Oikawa pressed the emergency stop button. “Spot me.”

Ushijima raised his eyebrow. “Ask Sokolov.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“Wakatoshi, you can’t ignore me forever-”

“It’s impolite to call someone you’re not close with by their first name.”

“Ushijima-“

_Earphones in._

* * *

He was getting used to living with Yuuji. Sort of. Technically they lived together for many years before Ushijima moved out for University. Mother and Eiji-san are only letting this happen because Yuuji promised to get into one of the top Universities in the country. Ushijima trusts that he probably can do it, since Yuuji is smart, but knowing him he’ll probably major in something useless just to piss them off. He wished he had that kind of backbone.

Yuuji’s surprisingly good at cooking.

“Some guy came over earlier, looked like Oikawa-san from Aoba Johsai.”

Ushijima shrugged, “Probably was, to be honest.”

“I didn’t let him in cos I wasn’t expecting a guest, I dunno if that’s what you would’ve wanted,” Yuuji said, “Are you fighting with him or something? He kept banging on the door and saying that you can’t ignore him forever.”

“I don’t know if it counts as fighting, to be honest,” Ushijima shrugged, “And I can ignore him forever. I managed to ignore your ex-girlfriend, who kept texting me for some reason for two years.”

Yuuji’s eyes widened, “No way Mari kept texting you for two years after we broke up.”

Ushijima chucked his phone at Yuuji, “I kept the message history cos her persistence amused me.”

“Damn, brother,” Yuuji laughed, “You’re ruthless.”

“I think ‘not interested’ is more fitting.”

“And you didn’t block her?”

Ushijima blinked, “I could do that?”

* * *

_The number that you have dialled cannot be reached. Please try again._

* * *

_Beep._

**_From: Captain Miyashiro Takeo_ **

_Please unblock Oikawa._

Ushijima sighed. He started typing on his phone.

**_To: Captain Miyashiro Takeo_ **

_No._

* * *

“Don’t you think that blocking Oikawa is a bit too far?” Miyashiro asked.

Ushijima shrugged, “I am not comfortable participating in this conversation with you at this moment, Captain, we should really focus on winning the Spring Intercollegiate League.”

“Look. Whatever it is, please don’t let this feud impact our team.”

Ushijima smiled softly, “Of course not.”

* * *

Spring was finally here, and as the snow melted on the ground came preparations for the new school year, as well as the Spring Intercollegiate League. His team dominated the earlier rounds, and even though Ushijima was hurting, he tried his best to make sure that it doesn’t impact his performance.

He constantly had to remind himself he’s been through worse.

That time he was blamed for buying Yuuji McDonalds instead of real food when he was 15 even though it was his first week living with him and he was scared of him? Worse.

That one time he had to play with the flu because Coach didn’t train people equally? Worse.

That one time he had to reject Shirabu’s confession because he knew that he didn’t feel the same but had to face the aftermath of his poorer performance because he was Captain and he was responsible for it? Worse.

Oikawa never had feelings for him. Whatever pain he was feeling didn’t matter because he knew it was going to happen. Yuuji told him if he wanted to, he should just block the people that made him upset.

But Oikawa was being weird. He looked like he was walking on glass around Ushijima. He didn’t have to. Ushijima knew that crying over someone for more than a week was disgraceful. He’s finished crying. He was just in pain. It’s fine. Just play. Play and Win.

It was like a vicious cycle of autopilot. Playing and winning because he was in pain.

It wasn’t healthy, but it was comforting.

* * *

“Is getting walked all over like a rug your kink or something?” Yuuji asked, “It’s been a month, and all you’ve been doing is your schoolwork and overexerting yourself to make sure you win every single tournament.”

Ushijima shrugged, “If I stop, I’ll start thinking about them.”

Yuuji sighed, “I know I’m younger and it’s probably real shit to hear advice from someone younger than you,” he paused, “But I really think that it’s worth approaching these things as something that you love instead of a method of distraction from your problems.”

Ushijima looked at Yuuji, “What do you mean?”

“Well, you’ve always loved Volleyball, but I don’t think you’ve ever played for yourself,” Yuuji examined, “Mom told me that you wanted to play for your father, and from what it seems you’ve been using it to overcompensate for your skills so you can impress someone you like. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you play for yourself. You never have fun, and after you win a game, you never look satisfied.”

That conversation happened a few days before the finals, and Ushijima has been thinking about it since.

Yuuji is strangely observant. He understands now how he gets so many people obsessed with him.

He thought about it. So far, every game he’s played was just part of his autopilot programming. He played to win, not because he wanted to, but because he needed to show that Oikawa’s general disinterest in him didn’t matter. Yuuji was right, in a way, in the beginning, he played for his father and tried his best to improve to make him proud. Even when he would win, he would overanalyse his flaws and practice till he had collapsed to rectify them. When he saw Oikawa, he played to prove to him that he was the better option. He was better than Iwaizumi. That Oikawa should be his partner instead because he had more skill. Every win he had was calculated to show Oikawa that he was the better option. Even when he won games, he was unsatisfied because, in the end, he knew he still had flaws and needed to increase every part of him. He needed more stamina. More technique. It was always looking for more ways to show Oikawa that he was the greatest. That he deserved to be by the side of the Great King Oikawa Tooru. At the beginning of his University Volleyball career, he wanted to play and win so that he could see the joy in Oikawa’s eyes every time they gain victory. 

Today, he had many revelations. Obviously, Ushijima was still hurt by the revelation that Oikawa didn’t care about him. But he made sure that it didn’t impact his performance on the Spring Intercollegiate League Games. Every spike he never missed. Every block. Every receive. No misses from Ushijima Wakatoshi. And in every game so far he tried his best. Mostly on Autopilot to prove that whatever conflict was happening didn’t affect his performance.

This time, though, in the finals, he decided to do it for himself. He tried not to think about his father’s pride. He tried not to make sure that at the end, he’d be able to see a bright smile on Oikawa’s face. Today he wanted to make himself proud. He wanted to win to make Ushijima Wakatoshi happy. The little kid who watched his father dominate the court. The little kid that somehow became close to someone that was his polar opposite. The little kid who drew portraits of the world to express himself because sometimes it’s hard to describe what was going on inside his head with words.

The past couple of months have been incredibly painful for him. Four years of strong feelings shattered just like that, with one sentence he deduced that he wasn’t someone that deserved to be cared for by Oikawa. Oikawa’s reciprocated love was a privilege that he did not have, and something that he should stop trying to grasp. Every single moment where he got to see him smile was transactional, and it was painful.

It’s not like this was an uncommon occurrence. People liked Ushijima for his fortune. They wanted to marry into old money. It was the only reason why his mother did not remarry after her divorce with Ushijima’s father; Eiji-san was the first person to have loved her in spite of her wealth after years of men trying to marry her to control her money.

Eiji-san loved her with all his heart, and even though he wanted something like that with Oikawa, it was impossible. A passing irrational thought that can never come true.

All he was to Oikawa was a walking credit card, a limitless source of free things that he tried to get him to win him over.

Every gift he’s given Oikawa, the book, the chocolates, the flowers, the expensive dinners in restaurants with a mean cost of $300 for two people, meant nothing more than just Ushijima spending his fortune on him. Oikawa didn’t see them as Ushijima’s attempt to express his affection. All he wanted was to see him smile because of him. He didn’t think that the reality of him only liking him for money would hurt as much as it did.

As much as everything hurt, Ushijima knew that they were fighting the same battle on the same side of the court now. He can’t afford to lose this time. No matter how tight his chest feels every time he sees Oikawa, no matter how hard it was for him to breathe, he had to win no matter what. He needed to prove to himself that he didn’t need to have his strengths enhanced by Oikawa like he thought he did when he was in high school. He needs to fool himself into thinking that not having his feelings reciprocated didn’t hurt him.

Nothing can hurt him now that he’s on the court.

It was the last set. The final point. He was in the right position at the right time, and all he needed to do was spike the ball as hard as he could. Score a point. Win.

He couldn’t hear his thoughts. It was muddled alongside with the sound of loud cheers from the crowd. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Everything was silent for a moment. For a bit, all he could see was the other side of the court. Clarity. Bliss.

His chest didn’t feel tight anymore.

The last sound of the ref’s whistle filled the air. His vision blurred, and his chest felt light. And as his feet touched the ground, he heard the roar of the crowd cheering his name.

They won, and it felt so good because for once in his life, he did something for himself.

And that was amazing.

That night, Ushijima Wakatoshi drove home with his first-ever University tournament medal, ending his first year as a University student with both heartache and pride.

* * *

“Remember when I started asking you for relationship advice?” Ushijima said to Yuuji, sitting on his living room floor eating an entire box of chicken wings to himself.

“Uhuh.”

“It was for me and Oikawa. I wanted to date Oikawa.”

Yuuji started choking profusely.

“I’m sorry?”

“I was in love with Oikawa Tooru for four years of my life.”

Yuuji’s eyes widened. He dropped his chicken wing straight on the floor.

“Yuuji, pick that up, you’re so gross.”

“Say that again.”

“Pick up the chicken wing you dropped on my clean living room carpet.”

“No, the other one, about being in love with Oikawa-san from Aoba Johsai.”

Ushijima sighed and stole one of Yuuji’s chicken wings, “I was in love with Oikawa from Aoba Johsai.”

“Oikawa?!” Yuuji screamed, “Oh my god, it makes sense now.”

Ushijima raised his eyebrow, “How so?”

“He’s famous in my volleyball team groupchat! All my friends wanna be like him!” Yuuji said, “They all say he’s never serious in relationships. I know I shouldn’t say shit because I’m a serial dater, but unlike him, I don’t just accept confessions and suddenly become emotionally absent. People just stop dating me because they think I’m annoying.”

“You are annoying,” Ushijima noted, “Please pick up the chicken wing. I need to clean the carpet before it stains.”

Yuuji picked up the chicken wing and ate it. Disgusting. Ushijima threw up a bit in his mouth.

“What did you like about him, though?” Yuuji said, “Is it his looks? Because his personality’s kinda… iffy.”

Ushijima shrugged, “I feel like it was a momentary lapse of judgement.”

Yuuji scoffed, “Four years is not a ‘momentary lapse of judgement’, older brother.”

In all honesty, there was a lot of things that drew him to Oikawa. His looks, his piercing gaze, his passion. All of it. Ushijima loved his tone of voice, how he always sounded cheerful even when he’s slightly angry. Ushijima thought Oikawa was a great leader who knew his teammates' strengths, as well as how to enhance them. Oikawa was a strategist. He knew how to handle things in situations and make it beneficial for him. Oikawa dressed well, to a certain extent. Ushijima shouldn’t be judgy towards someone’s fashion, though, as although he had many interesting designer pieces, he doesn’t really know how to style them. He wears simple clothing, only occasionally whipping out a cool piece from a designer he liked on days where his mother was hosting yet another one of her big parties. 

But the thing that he liked the most about Oikawa was the way his eyes light up when he sees snowfall. He remembered the day where they both stood underneath the first snow of the wintertime. Oikawa looked elated. His eyes twinkled as a single snowflake fell onto the palm of his hands. The smile glued onto his face when he talked about the first snow of the winter. It was a sight that Ushijima wished to never forget. A memory that he wished to keep for the rest of his life.

Because even though Oikawa didn’t care about him, it doesn’t mean that his little memories of him were now unimportant. He used to love the way that Oikawa smiled and to say that seeing the other smile didn’t bring joy into his life would be a lie.

But he couldn’t say that, not after what had happened.

“Let’s just say that it was.”

* * *

“Guess what?” Yuuji beamed.

“You’re going to stop eating chicken wings on my floor?”

“No.” Yuuji paused, rummaging through his backpack. “I got into your University!”

Ushijima clapped. “Congratulations, Yuuji. Now tell me, what bullshit major did you choose to piss off our parents?”

Yuuji gasped, “Why would I choose Theatre Acting as a major to piss off my parents because they wouldn’t let me go to beauty school?” he said dramatically, “I am very serious about my work, older brother, and I got signed into an acting agency, too, so our parents don’t even have to pay for it.”

Ushijima’s eyes widened, “Really? That’s great news. We should celebrate.”

“I want chicken.”

“Enough chicken, Yuuji, all you do is get sauce on my carpet. It’s terrible to clean. Even the housekeepers wanted to vomit.”

Yuuji grinned. “I’ll never get used to how rich this family is, even after five years of being Ushiwaka’s younger brother.”

“And I’ll never get used to how annoying you are,” Ushijima ruffled the younger’s hair, “C’mon, let's get dinner. You pick. And no chicken.”

* * *

Ushijima will always be thankful that Terushima Yuuji is a social butterfly. Everywhere he goes, he enamours people. Men and Women flock to him like moths to a flame. He was a charismatic presence, and because of that, his University life was peaceful even though Yuuji occasionally forces him to have lunch with him on campus.

Yuuji’s volleyball career ended in high school, but he occasionally comes to practice to annoy Ushijima. He’s become very good friends with the captain, and every time Yuuji is around him being his annoying little self, Ushijima felt a pair of eyes burn a stare to the back of his skull. Like what he was doing annoyed someone else in the room.

Oikawa’s been different since Yuuji joined their school. He’s been more persistent in the texting, sometimes trying to call Ushijima while he’s playing games on his phone. He nearly dropped his phone in the toilet once because of Oikawa’s damn phone calls.

It was weird being chased after chasing someone for so long, especially since the person chasing you is the one that you used to chase for a bit.

Albeit, the way Ushijima chased Oikawa was a bit… unconventional. He masked his first years of attraction with the obsession of wanting Oikawa to be the one to enhance his skill. His first couple of years was littered with the denial of his desire to kiss Oikawa and hold him until he begs for mercy. He only stopped denying his feelings when he was watching Oikawa play against Karasuno, and wanting so badly for him to win so they would be fighting against each other on the court. That day, he decided to accept that it was love and that it has been love since the first time he laid eyes on him.

He remembered sitting on the edge of his seat. Begging for God to give Aoba Johsai a win. He wanted so badly to prove to Oikawa that he should have gone to Shiratorizawa so he could’ve gone to Nationals, and maybe kiss him senseless when they eventually win.

_Wait. That’s a bit. Y’know._

_But I want to kiss him. I want to kiss him so he’ll shut up about Iwa-chan and Mattsun and Makki and Kyouken-tan and just kiss and hold him until he moans my name. Only Wakatoshi. Not Ushiwaka. I hate Ushiwaka so much. It’s such a stupid nickname. Why can’t he call me-_

Okay, that’s enough rambling for now.

But in the back of his mind, he feels like it was just a case of Oikawa getting angry that his toy got taken away from him. There’s no way his feelings are genuine. He doesn’t like Ushijima.

It was obviously like that. Because why would he feel anything for Ushijima?

On some days, Ushijima would notice that Oikawa’s eyes were red. Bloodshot. Some days he looked like he had just finished crying. But why?

It’s not like Ushijima dumped him. He dumped Ushijima. Kinda. He said Ushijima wasn’t worth anything more than money. And Oikawa bounces back very easily. He gets so many girls, why does Ushijima’s expression of pain affecting him?

Or maybe it’s not even that. Oikawa doesn’t care about him enough to be upset about this.

He wanted to give Oikawa some pocari. But at the same time, he recognised that he went through a lot of pain. He shouldn’t give him attention. Not now. Not yet. The wounds are still fresh. Kinda.

Hanging out with Yuuji has given him a good enough distraction from Oikawa’s burning stares.

_But why does Oikawa look so… upset?_

* * *

Yuuji told him he doesn’t know how to get over relationships because he usually just dates another one when he’s done. Ushijima had the realisation that he was the older sibling of a fuckboy this entire time who’s been pining over someone for years while his younger brother dates five people in rapid succession.

“I’m dating one person right now, though!” Yuuji laughed, “To be honest, I don’t think you need my help anymore.”

Ushijima looked at him, confused, “How so?”

“I watched you play in the finals,” He smiled, “You finally played for yourself. You won the game for yourself. I was shocked, to be honest, but like, damn, I didn’t know my older brother had a backbone.”

“Of course I have a backbone, Yuuji, what the fuck are you on about?”

“I witnessed you let Oikawa out of all people use you for money,” Yuuji said, “Well, at least that was what I was getting at from mom complaining about your credit card bill every day at home. Heck, I didn’t know it was Oikawa at first, I thought it was just some big breasted model woman who was just using you or something.”

“And you didn’t say anything?”

Yuuji shrugged, “I mean, I did try. I shaded you on that huge credit card bill you brought home,” Yuuji paused, “I didn’t know how to bring it up, I’m younger than you and I don’t have the rights to tell you that your girlfriend is a bitch, considering you’ve never told me any of mine was. Including Mari. You should have told me she was harassing you.”

Ushijima sighed, “I feel like I have a communication problem.”

“No, you don’t,” Yuuji said, “It’s just that you were probably raised in an environment where you weren’t really allowed to express yourself that much. I had to poke you with a stick until you opened up to me. And I’m sure Tendou-san and Semi-san had to do the same.”

“We all care about you, and I look up to you. I was really proud of you when you scored that last point in the final.”

Ushijima smiled, “Thanks Yuuji.”

“No problem, Wakatoshi.”

* * *

Six months. Six months was probably enough to stop being petty and leaving Oikawa to knock on his door every once in a while and finally answer.

Ushijima spent the past six months going through the many stages of grief while playing on Autopilot in the Spring Intercollegiate League.

It started with denial. The first month he went through different stages of denial. There was no way that he was being used. Their relationship wasn’t transactional. Thinking about that was absurd and stupid. Until he heard more about what Oikawa was saying about him behind his back, weirdly only to women. He found out through his denial stage that a lot of women were initially interested in him. Probably because of the amount of Shoujo Manga that romanticised the ‘stoic, emotionally absent male lead’. He didn’t get it, either, Ushijima didn’t see himself as particularly attractive. He was average, but clean because his mother needed a strong male presence to represent the Ushijima name. Yuuji says Ushijima doesn’t know how to smile properly when he’s told to smile but can smile when something makes him happy. Ushijima doesn’t understand how that works.

Every woman who asks Oikawa for information about Ushijima ends up becoming uninterested. Oikawa would just talk about how Ushijima didn’t have anything other than money. That his perfect image was just a carefully constructed portrait made by the Ushijima clan to protect their family image. He doesn’t understand why Oikawa would say things like that, especially since he thought that their relationship was going somewhere. That they were at least friends.

Then came the anger. He started boxing. He picked up a nicotine addiction. Sort of. He stole Yuuji’s e-cigarette and started smoking it because it smelled good. Ushijima has done nothing to Oikawa but try to be the best potential partner for him. Why would he spread shit to women about him when he knew nothing about him. He didn’t even know Ushijima’s actual major before he told him about it. He probably knew more about Oikawa than Oikawa knew about him. It annoyed him to high hell that Oikawa would do something like that with no reason, and pretend nothing was wrong during practice. Oikawa kept trying to talk to him, too, and every time he just wanted to cuss him out and tell him to fuck off. But there was still that little bit of him that wanted Oikawa to like him.

Then bargaining. He started questioning himself. What if he approached Oikawa differently? What if he just started with talking about his feelings? Opening up to him? Surely Oikawa would probably just accept his confession as a joke and Ushijima could just… show him how much of a great boyfriend he would be and they would run off into the sunset together, getting married somewhere and living in a nice two-story home with their two dogs and one child. If only Ushijima was smart enough to do that. Maybe they would be in love right now. Why did he have to try to buy Oikawa’s love?

Questioning led to major waves of depression. Maybe Oikawa was right. Maybe the only good thing about him was his money. He didn’t have any distinguishable personality traits. There was nothing about him that was attractive. Sure, he was tall, muscular, and strong. But that’s it. He wasn’t particularly interesting. He doesn’t talk much. He’s not very good at expressing himself, and all he’s been doing these past couple of years was by his mother’s walking statue for every party he had to attend as a male representative of the Ushijima family.

And finally, acceptance. He started by getting rid of the e-cig refills and giving Yuuji back his e-cigarette. Yuuji was mildly surprised that Ushijima was capable of doing something like smoking. Maybe it was for the best that it didn’t work out. Maybe they were just not meant to be. Maybe Ushijima was made for someone else, and trying to force Oikawa to have feelings for him was probably a bad idea. Oikawa not loving him back doesn’t make him a bad person. It doesn’t make Oikawa a bad person either. So why was he upset?

Maybe it was the many years he’s spent pining for Oikawa.

Maybe he just wanted to be loved back.

“Yuuji, lets get piercings.”

“O-Kay, sure,” Yuuji said, “You keep surprising me, Wakatoshi, first you steal my e-cig, then you want to get piercings. What are you gonna do next?”

Ushijima shrugged, “I don’t know, should I dye my hair?”

“No, ew. Don’t.”

* * *

Six months. Six months was enough for him to be able to accept the fact that Oikawa doesn’t love him.

“Ushijima, you can’t ignore me forever. Please just open the door just this once-“

Ushijima opened the door.

“How may I help you, Oikawa Tooru?”

Oikawa’s eyes widened. “You got your ears pierced.”

“Yes I did.”

“Wakatoshi, what do you want for-“ Yuuji stopped talking, “Oh, Oikawa-san! Hi!”

Oikawa’s eyes locked onto the Terushima Yuuji standing right there offering him a handshake. Ushijima couldn't figure out what was going on inside Oikawa’s head. It was like everything was going through his mind all at once, and he was at a loss for words.

“And you’ve moved on,” Oikawa looked angry. Like Ushijima had done something wrong. “That was quick, Ushiwaka. 11 months of trying to woo me and you leave me for fucking Terushima. What the fuck.”

Huh?

“I thought you were in love with me. I can’t believe it. You-“ Oikawa stopped talking. “I lost to Terushima. Damn.”

Before Ushijima could say anything, Oikawa left.

“What the fuck was that?”

“I think he thought we were dating.”

“That’s disgusting. No hate to you, Wakatoshi, but I would never date you.”

“Neither. Your hair is too damaged.”

Both of them paused. Dumbfounded and confused.

Yuuji laughed, breaking the silence. “You should go after him.”

_Should he, though? Oikawa did hurt him._

“I really don’t like the idea that he’s upset because he thinks you’re dating your step-brother,” Yuuji said, “So if those wrinkles you’re making is you thinking about chasing after him, consider this my answer. Go after him.”

Yuuji tossed him his car keys. “At least tell him we’re not dating for the sake of my reputation.”

“Okay.” Ushijima said, grabbing his coat from the coat hanger and rushing to put on his shoes.

This could be the worst idea he’s ever had. He worked so hard to move on. He’s accepted that Oikawa doesn’t love him. And all the stages of grief has led him to understanding himself and his role in the universe a little bit more. But it wasn’t a crime to hope that Oikawa maybe wanted him, too. He did spend six months trying to talk to Ushijima.

_Let’s hope that it was because he loved him too._

Over the past six months, Ushijima Wakatoshi has learned to do things for himself and learned that there was such a thing as doing things for yourself and for no one else but yourself. And today, he’s decided that chasing after Oikawa Tooru for the last time ever after many years of unrequited love could maybe help him get closure for everything that he’s been through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the kind comments! i was gonna update this like a couple days later but i thought i should update it early :D
> 
> some of the background characters are from schweiden adlers!
> 
> i edited the prev chapter bc i read the doc i was writing on to make sure this chapter and the next chapters had no continuity errors and was like... damn why is half of this misspelled lmao. grammar and misspells should be corrected now, and i'll try my best to not have them in the future. bear in mind that english is not my first language so i might make some mistakes.
> 
> i'm torn between ending this at chapter five or six. idk. chapter 3 and 4 are almost finished, and i have plans for up to chapter 5 maybe all the way up to 7 but idk how much i might end up writing. it's not like this story has no overarching plans, though, i have the basic outline of what i want to include. but like this story's kinda my comfort story lol i've been writing it to relieve stress. so far each chapter is around 5k-6k words each rn (i've written up to chapter four atm and the doc is growing longer and longer by the day lmao) 
> 
> (also writing ushi and teru's sibling dynamic is a guilty pleasure of mine lmao idk)
> 
> I'll try to update weekly when i can! let me know your thoughts! i reply to comments and i wanna know your thoughts!


	3. just love and just kiss and confide in me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mild nsfw. only one paragraph, though hehe.
> 
> title: regina george - blackbear

Rain. Obviously, it had to rain.

Life is strange; it really is. The annoying voice in the back of his head keeps telling him that whatever he's doing is a bad idea. To be fair, it was. But he would rather know how Oikawa truly feels about him than never know and have him think that he was dating his younger brother.

His brain rarely cooperates with his body. His thoughts get intrusive sometimes. 

He dreads the thought of Oikawa getting caught in the rain. Just because Ushijima spent six months trying to get over his feelings, doesn't mean he doesn't care about him. He's quite a valuable teammate. Very supportive in games. He understands why Coach put both of them in starting positions even though they were in first year.

If Oikawa were to get sick, he would have to play with the other setter. Ushijima doesn't remember his name. He's new. They weren't close. But neither is him and Oikawa. Either way, playing with Oikawa was fun. Maybe there was a bit of a bias because he's always wanted to fight alongside Oikawa on the same side of the court. Maybe he's looking at some aspects of his life with Oikawa through rose coloured glasses, but regardless, it was fun. He was glad to have had experienced that.

Oikawa was drenched, sitting on a swing, looking down at the ground. Ushijima let out a sigh of relief, walking towards him with an umbrella.

"You'll get sick."

"So?"

Ushijima took a deep breath, "Wouldn't be good for the team."

Oikawa rolled his eyes, "Why do you care? You-"Oikawa paused. _You replaced me with Terushima Yuuji out of all people._

Ushijima took a seat next to Oikawa. "Of course I care, we're teammates."

Ushijima isn't stupid. Oikawa was upset. He could see it in his eyes. It was bloodshot. He shrugged off his jacket and draped it over Oikawa.

"Stop it. Just. Stop." Oikawa said. "Why are you still so nice to me?"

Ushijima shrugged, "I'm a nice person."

It was difficult. The air was awkward. They haven't had a proper talk for a long time, and Oikawa, who's usually chatty, is being silent. Silence was Ushijima's thing. He's not good at being not-quiet for an extended period of time. But he had to clear the air because in his brain it's better to maybe come out of this being friends with Oikawa than going back to being his enemy, especially since they're in the same team. It could ruin everything, and at this point, the gaping hole in his heart doesn't hurt as much as it did when the wound was still fresh. He's had time to figure things out. He can do this.

"I heard what you said to one of the girls, saying how I'm not good for anything other than my money," Ushijima said, "I won't lie and say that it didn't hurt hearing that come out of your mouth, and what I said wasn't coming from a place of irrationality."

Oikawa didn't say anything, so Ushijima took it as a sign to continue.

"I've loved you since the first time I saw you in middle school, and have kept trying to get you to notice me as a better option than Iwaizumi ever since. I'll admit that all I wanted was to play on the same team as you because I recognised your strength." Ushijima took a breath to calm himself down, "Hearing you say that I'm worth nothing, in a way, confirmed my thoughts that you would never see me as anything, or regard me as an equal." Ushijima paused for a second. He's never spoken this much in one sitting. "I'll say, though, I'm not dating Terushima. I will never date Terushima. His father and my mother are married to each other, and we're stepbrothers."

Ushijima looked at Oikawa's blank, emotionless face. Maybe that was too much to take in. He was certain he didn't say too much, enough for him to understand and not too much that he starts rambling incoherently.

"I hope that clears up all of our misunderstandings," Ushijima said, "At least, on my part. You haven't said anything, and you're probably uncomfortable with talking to me right now. I won't bother you with my unnecessary feelings anymore, and I hope we can be friends in the future."

Ushijima handed the umbrella over to Oikawa, "Don't get sick, okay?"

It was like a weight lifted off from his shoulders. He was glad he got everything out of his system. Hopefully, Oikawa understood, and hopefully, they could be friends in the future.

It's not like it didn't hurt, giving up on his one-sided love that's been going on for years and years. But he had to. The last piece of himself that was weighing him down. Maybe one day he can find his happiness with a new person. Either a boy or a girl, it's fine. So long as he finds someone that would love him regardless of his wealth. Someone who loved him regardless of his athletic capabilities. It was his dream to be loved just as Ushijima Wakatoshi, not Ushijima Wakatoshi, heir of a large Agriculture Company, or Ushijima Wakatoshi, the Ace of Shiratorizawa. Just. Ushijima Wakatoshi, the person. Just like how Eiji-san loved his mother. 

His breathing felt heavy. He wanted to be selfish, for once in his life; he wanted to scream at Oikawa even though he's explained everything from his perspective. He wanted to know why. Why Oikawa did that. Why couldn't it be Oikawa who loved him back? Why does he have to give up everything? But he couldn't. He had to leave. Walk away. _Walk away now, Wakatoshi. You can do it._

"Wait!"

* * *

"I hated you!" Oikawa shouted, trying to get Ushijima to stop walking away.

Ushijima stopped on his tracks.

"I hated you so much. You were a big obstacle that kept getting in the way of my dreams. That day, when my team lost to Karasuno, I didn't stop crying for days. I wanted so badly to hurt you. To destroy you. I wanted to pretend to be your friend, so I can find every single one of your dirty little secrets and use it against you. I ruined your reputation amongst girls so no one would want to date you. I purposely picked the most expensive restaurants in the fucking prefecture because I wanted you to go broke. I wanted to use the fact that you probably had feelings for me against you at some point. But you were nice to me, and you treated me nicely even on the days where I was hostile to you. I wanted to ruin you and destroy you, but after a while, I slowly started to like you back," Oikawa rambled, "I didn't know what was going on with me. I thought it was fucking hilarious. Ushiwaka having a crush on me was so funny to me. But at the same time, I was happy. The past six months, I've realised that I started liking you at some point in this fucked up year, and I hated it. I hated it so much."

"Oikawa-"

"I'm not done, shut the fuck up," he yelled, "I hurt you. I meant to hurt you. I wanted you to be hurt. It was my way of getting revenge for you and your dense ass ruining mine and Iwa's dreams of going to Nationals together. But when it actually happened right in front of me, my heart broke. I wanted to apologise. I wanted you to like me again. I started missing going to dinner with you. I liked how thoughtful and kind you were, and that you cared about me even though I was being shit to you. Six months without you made me realise that I wish I never did that in the first place."

"I-"

"Be fucking quiet like your usual self for ONCE, Ushiwaka," Oikawa shouted. Ushijima can't tell if it was because he was angry or not. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a shitty person. I'm sorry I used your feelings against you. I don't mind if you don't forgive me, but please don't cut me off. I l-like you too, and I want to be with you. I don't understand it myself, but I would rather have you than not have you for the rest of my life."

Ushijima was stunned. He didn't expect that to happen. He thought that it was just going to be him explaining things and Oikawa not saying anything. So… His feelings weren't one-sided?

But… to what extent was this true? There's a voice inside his head that keeps telling him that Oikawa was just upset in the same way as a child would be upset when you take away their toy. He didn't want to be rash and immediately offer his heart, but it would be a lie if it didn't make him a little bit happy.

"Why are you quiet now? Say something!"

"You told me to be quiet," Ushijima said, "Oikawa… I don't know what to say."

"Why?"

"I just… I don't know… How do I know that your feelings are genuine?"

Oikawa stared at him. He looked angry. Or sad. Or both. He can't tell the difference. Everything was so wet that he couldn't tell that Oikawa was on the verge of tears. He knew how that felt. The way your chest felt so tight, you feel like you couldn't breathe. But Oikawa hurt him, and the wounds were still so fresh in his heart that thinking about how Oikawa did it on purpose made it felt like he was back again, drowning in an endless ocean of insecurity, with his thoughts telling him that it was probably because he didn't deserve to be loved.

Oikawa's eyes glistened as tears started welling in his socket. _No, no, please don't cry._

Ushijima pulled Oikawa to his chest, holding him close as he felt his already damp from the rain shirt feel warm from the tears coming out of Oikawa's eyes. The rain made everything feel so cold, with the sound of the water hitting the ground decorated by the hiccups coming out of Oikawa's mouth as he cried in Ushijima's chest as if he felt regret of what he did and how he'd ruined everything before it even started. Ushijima felt like he shouldn't feel pain as his doubts were justified, but he's loved Oikawa for so long that watching the other feel so upset because of his hurt.

"Let's talk somewhere else, okay?" Ushijima whispered, gently caressing Oikawa to at least try to calm him down, "I don't want you to get sick."

* * *

Ushijima drove them both to the closest hotel he could find, and immediately checked them both into a room where they could at least have a bit of privacy and warmth. Oikawa shivered all the way to the hotel, occasionally sniffling as tears streamed down his face. Ushijima held his hand the entire time to assure him that he won't leave him alone. Not like this. They needed to sort this out, quietly, just between them with no distractions.

Ushijima quickly put a towel around Oikawa to dry him and promptly started the bath so he could get warm. All he could think about was to make sure that Oikawa didn't get sick. It was a freezing day, and being stuck in the rain for the amount of time they were could potentially cause harm. He didn't care about what happened to him. Deep inside his heart, all he wanted was for Oikawa to be healthy and smiling again.

Maybe it was worth it for him to finally be honest about the way that he feels. Even though it took him six months to figure himself out, did he truly stop loving Oikawa after everything he's been through?

Or was it just his pain trying to push him into getting rid of his feelings entirely?

Five years is not a short period to love someone from the sidelines, and it's been almost a year and a half since he's started trying his best to win Oikawa's heart. Maybe it was worth it just to talk to Oikawa. Sort out their feelings for a bit. Figure out if they're actually meant to be, or if they both needed time apart.

It wasn't like they were dating in the first place, but Ushijima thought that he needed to think about all the possible outcomes of this situation. And how everything can lead to things that maybe they're not equipped to handle.

"Y-You're b-bleeding."

Ushijima lost his train of thought. "You're finished?"

"Your e-ears, they-"Oikawa panicked. He scrambled to find something, anything to stop the bleeding. He looked worried. It was uncharacteristic of Oikawa to worry about Ushijima.

Oikawa used the sleeves of his bathrobe to try to stop the bleeding. As he did so, their eyes interlocked and Ushijima saw Oikawa's face slowly turn red. His eyes were slightly puffy, and his nose had a tinge of pinkish red from crying. Oikawa tried to look away. "Don't look at me like that. I look gross."

"No, I don't think so," Ushijima said, "I think you look beautiful."

Oikawa looked away, towards the wall at an angle away from Ushijima's eyes.

"I'm sorry," Ushijima said, "Please don't look away."

Oikawa's ears turned red. _Cute._

Ushijima took Oikawa's hand off his bleeding piercing. "I'll clean up in the shower, okay? Wait for me."

Oikawa nodded.

* * *

They both stared at the ceiling of the hotel room, avoiding each other's eyes as they tried to prepare the right words to break the silence.

Ushijima didn't know what was going on inside Oikawa's head. But he was a bit happy—just a tiny bit. Oikawa at least liked him enough to lay quietly next to him in a hotel room without complaining that Ushijima reminded him of a brick wall.

As Ushijima thought about everything that had happened in the past, Oikawa scooted closer to lay in Ushijima's arm. He snuggled up to his side and took a deep breath before breaking the silence with a statement.

"I understand that you probably think I'm lying about having feelings for you," Oikawa said, "But I'm not."

"Okay."

"And… I know I fucked up our friendship… But after you told me you loved me that day in the study room, I started reflecting on my actions. Just a little bit."

_Wait, that wasn't a dream? Did I actually confess to Oikawa that day? I thought that was just another silly little dream. Was that why he started calling me by my first name?_

"And when you started ignoring me I was really upset." Oikawa paused for a bit. "I didn't realise how much I actually liked you until I fucked it all up. And I wish I could go back in time just to tell myself that whatever I was doing to get some petty revenge on Ushijima was a bad idea."

Ushijima took a deep breath. He put his fingers through Oikawa's hair. It feels really soft.

"I loved you for a long time," Ushijima said, "Since that last match in Middle School."

He didn't want to be erratic this time. Spewing words without any further thought. He wanted to be honest, so they can figure out their future. And even if it was difficult, he had to at least try for their sake.

"I'm not… Used to trying to get people to like me," Ushijima explained, "When people wanted to date me in school, I would just accept it on condition that it wouldn't jeopardise the team. I never really liked them back, and most girls gave up after realising that I never reciprocated their feelings, and I'm pretty sure I've hurt someone on my team for rejecting them for the sake of volleyball." He paused. "I've only told Yuuji that I dated people. No one else knew. Not even my friends or my mother."

He turned his body to face Oikawa.

"When I found out we were on the same team I got caught up into wanting to have a relationship with you. Not even a romantic one. I just wanted you to at least like me as a person. My feelings for you didn't matter to me. I didn't think I would have the privilege to be loved by someone like you anyway." Ushijima explained. "And I think finding out that you didn't really think of me as a person independent from my family fortune hurt me too much."

"Ushijima-"

"In a way, I was used to people thinking of me as just a Ushijima heir," Ushijima smiled a bit, "I knew in the back of my head that there was no way people can separate me from the image that they have in their head of me. I was always Ushijima the Ace or Ushijima Mari's eldest son. No one really got to know me other than Yuuji and Tendou, and no one really loved me other than my father." He said. 

_I think I said too much. Should I even continue? This is probably very depressing for him to hear. I should stop talking._

"I got to know you a bit, though," Oikawa said, "And I grew to love you over the past year and a half."

_How can I know for sure that you're not lying?_

* * *

The rain was getting heavier by the second, and they were lying down together on the bed in the middle of the large hotel room, with Ushijima holding Oikawa in his arms right after he managed to gather his deepest, darkest thoughts in a condensed form so Oikawa can understand his perspective a bit.

He was still a bit concerned and anxious about the future of their relationship. Does this mean they were supposed to date now? That Oikawa is now his boyfriend? Or will they end up going their separate ways? Will they be able to be good teammates after this?

He didn't want to be the one who asked the question. He was too nervous, and he didn't want to ruin the fact that he was lying in bed, holding Oikawa in his arms. Oikawa felt warm, snuggled up to his chest. He's cuddled other people before, but he didn't think having someone in his arms would make him feel so content.

He was certain that he was over Oikawa. But who was he fooling? He still loved him. Way too much. Even though what Oikaw did was terrible, he still wanted him, like an idiot.

"What are you thinking about?" Oikawa asked.

"Nothing important."

"Well, it's important to me," Oikawa said, "Spill, Ushijima. Or else."

Ushijima chuckled, "What are you going to do to me?"

Oikawa shrugged, "I dunno, I can't think of anything right now, but I'll do something."

_Might as well tell him. I did want to be more honest today, anyway._

"Just. Us," Ushijima said, "What… are we going to do with… us?"

"Well, I want to date you," Oikawa said, "And I think you want to date me too, but I need to earn your trust again before you fully believe that I actually do, in fact, love you too."

Oikawa was smart. Oikawa was strangely good at reading him. Maybe that's why he was an amazing setter.

"I'm thinking let's date, but do it a bit slow," Oikawa said, "Start with weekly dates again, and maybe we can kiss and hug instead of talking about random things," he proposed, "And maybe do a little something more."

Ushijima stopped Oikawa's hand from trailing lower. "Not right now."

"Fine."

* * *

"So, you're dating Oikawa now?" Yuuji asked.

"Yes."

"And you stayed overnight in a hotel with him?"

"Yes, Yuuji."

"Damn, Wakatoshi!" Yuuji said, slapping him in the arm, "I can't believe you tapped him immediately after dating him. You! Of all, people! How was he?"

"We did not have sex," Ushijima sipped his tea.

Yuuji furrowed his eyebrows in disbelief, "Don't tell me you just slept in a hotel room together and did nothing…"

"Yes we did," Ushijima said, "Not everyone's horny like you."

"Hey!" Yuuji complained, "I prefer 'comfortable with my sexuality', thanks."

Ushijima chuckled, "Whatever stops the tears, Yuuji-Kun," he ruffled his younger brother's dry, bleached hair. He really needs to get a hair treatment in a salon, that shit felt like dry grass. "Thank you, by the way."

"For what?"

"For making me go after him."

"I just didn't want him to think that we were dating." Yuuji said, "Plus, I know you still like him. You wouldn't have started smoking after everything went to shit if you didn't."

Ushijima shook his head, "Don't you have an audition today?"

"Oh shit," Yuuji realised, "I have to meet him, though, as your brother, I have to approve of your relationships. Especially your first boyfriend."

"Second."

Yuuji yelped, "You dated a guy and never told me?"

"It was more of a friends-with-benefits type of situation. It's over now," Ushijima shrugged, "Audition. Go."

"Damn, you surprise me every day," Yuuji laughed, "Okay. But dinner. Me, you and Oikawa. I'll ask Chika-chan to come too."

"You just want free food."

Yuuji laughed, "Bye!"

* * *

"My brother wants to meet you."

Oikawa choked. "Terushima wants to meet me?"

Ushijima took a sip of his coffee, "Yes. Not now, but sometime in the future." Ushijima said, "Something about wanting to 'judge his brother's boyfriend'."

Oikawa smirked, "I'm your boyfriend, huh?"

Ushijima looked at him. Blinked. And said nothing.

He took a sip of his coffee.

"But I am your boyfriend!"

Ushijima smiled. He could get used to this.

They've been officially dating for about two weeks now. It's been pleasant.

They've been meeting more often than they did before. Before, they only met once a week for an expensive dinner. Now, they just hung out whenever they were free. Sometimes Oikawa would buy him coffee on the way to his next class. Sometimes Ushijima would give him Pocari after practice. It was nice.

"I think it's too early for you to meet Yuuji," Ushijima said, "He's a bit… much."

"I want to meet him," Oikawa said, "I need to apologise for thinking that you two were dating."

"Why did you think that, anyway?"

"You were always together!"

"He's using my apartment to run away from our parents because they want him to change majors and pestering him about meeting whoever Chika was," Ushijima said in a monotone voice, Oikawa looked confused. "Long story."

"Who's Chika?"

"His girlfriend. Or boyfriend. I'm not sure."

"But I would love to meet Yuuji," Oikawa smiled, "I wanna know all the weird shit you did when you were a kid."

Ushijima smiled, "I'll arrange that then." He said, "Not now, though, too soon."

"Definitely too soon."

* * *

He didn't think dating Oikawa would be this nice. Sometimes he pinches himself to make sure that he wasn't dreaming. It had to be. Everything fell into place so nicely. It was, in a way, terrifying. Like something bad was going to happen to them. The calm before the storm.

It's been almost six months since they started dating, and everything has been going pretty well. They've been going to practice and tournaments just as normal, but Coach has noticed that they've synergised. Better than normal. Their playstyle has evolved, leading them to many more victories within their collegiate Volleyball career.

They had an off day today, and Oikawa had a great idea of going to the gym together, especially since they still needed to up their stamina and strength. Oikawa has been pestering Ushijima to go to the gym with him outside of practice. Ushijima prefered to go alone. It was awkward going with someone else; he didn't know what to do usually, but Oikawa had a plan. A strange plan, but a plan, nonetheless.

It was mostly because Oikawa has never seen Ushijima without a top on. It's been six months, and Ushijima still has reservations on being fully naked in front of Oikawa. In a way, he was scared. Oikawa has never really dated a man before, and they haven't gone all the way in their sex life. Ushijima had a lingering fear in the back of his head that if Oikawa saw him naked, he wouldn't want to be with him anymore.

Plus, they decided to take it slow, and he didn't want to pressure Oikawa into doing something that he wasn't comfortable doing.

They've only graduated recently to calling each other by silly nicknames. Ushijima wasn't very creative, so he would occasionally call Oikawa by his first name, but Oikawa has taken to calling him Waka-Chan. It was nice. Every time Oikawa would call him by that name, he felt his heart swell with joy. Gone was the stupid Ushiwaka nickname. Finally, he had a cute nickname given to him by his beautiful boyfriend.

Ushijima would usually wear a tight shirt underneath his looser t-shirt in the gym, but Oikawa was adamant about taking it off before leading him to the weights zone. They've discussed before how much both of them can lift. Ushijima has been going to the gym since he was around 16, so he can lift heavier weights. He hasn't lifted in a while, though.

"I wanna see how much you can deadlift."

Ushijima raised his eyebrow. "I told you it was 195kg."

"I don't trust you," Oikawa said. "You never let me see you topless."

Ushijima shook his head, "My body is average."

"Stop lying to me, Waka-Chan," Oikawa teased. "I'm still mad the random girls in our faculty got to see you shirtless before I did."

"You were sick." Ushijima said, "I didn't want you to get worse."

"But I wanna see your abs."

"Pervert."

"I'll spot you, babe." Oikawa grinned.

"Okay, Tooru."

* * *

"Iwa-Chan is coming back to Japan for the holidays," Oikawa said, "He still can't believe that we're dating. I told him it'd been 6-7 months now."

Ushijima hummed, he was still tired from last night. He had an event today, so he had to dress in a suit to attend to whatever his mother would drag him into. Thank god he wasn't there alone like when mother and Eiji-san were in their early days of marriage, since Yuuji was still too young to understand that he needed to behave a certain way around the Elites.

When he was going to go home, he was surprised that Yuuji wanted to go somewhere instead of crashing at his place. Said something about meeting with Chika-chan. When he opened the door to his bedroom, he was surprised to see Oikawa sitting there in his room with only a pair of very risque underwear, a lace garter belt and stockings. Ushijima almost slapped himself to see if it was the copious amounts of champagne and the fact that they haven't actually moved on to that stage of their relationship making him manifest Oikawa dressing risque in his bedroom.

But it was real, and he didn't know what took over him, because they ended up doing it over and over through the night up until morning. Until they were both slick with sweat and sticky with their fluids all over them. The night had his room decorated with Oikawa's whines and moans as he dug his nails onto Ushijima's back, scratching him as Ushijima made him feel him deep inside him, hitting him in the right spots until he cried out his name. Decorating his soft skin with marks that contrasted with his skin tone. And when he passed out from all the pleasure he felt, Ushijima cleaned him up and changed his bedsheets, then tucked his sleeping boyfriend into bed and snuggled him as they both fell asleep.

"He called me at the wrong time. I was just going to suck you off, too."

Ushijima's eyes widened. "Tooru."

Oikawa chuckled, "What! I like your cock! He was so happy to see me last night. I liked the way he greeted me."

Ushijima's face turned red. This is so embarrassing. "Please don't talk about my penis like it's a sentient thing with feelings."

Oikawa smirked, "Getting embarrassed now, are we Waka-Chan?" Oikawa moved to straddle him. "Don't be shy. We had so much fun last night."

"I can't believe you broke into my apartment wearing nothing but a jockstrap and stockings. What if Yuuji catches you?"

"I told him not to come to yours," Oikawa confessed, "I finally got to see you naked. Though, I liked seeing you in that fancy suit of yours. Sorry I ruined your shirt. I'll replace it."

"No, it's okay." Ushijima put his hands on Oikawa's hips. "I hated that Bottega shirt anyway."

Oikawa's eyes widened, "You did not just let me get away with ruining a Bottega shirt!" He scrambled to grab Ushijima's shirt, the one he ripped off and stained with his juices. Oikawa gasped when he saw the label. "Wakatoshi, this is a 65,000 yen shirt, and you let me get my cum all over it! What the fuck!"

"Your happiness is worth more to me than a stupid shirt to me, anyway, not a big deal." Ushijima said, "I can just buy a new one."

"Rich people," Oikawa said, before planting a soft kiss onto Ushijima's lips. "You were so hot coming back home in that suit; I just wanted to ride you with it on."

"I can put it back on?"

"Can you still get it up?"

Ushijima pulled him closer into a kiss. He could get used to this.

* * *

"Ushijima Wakatoshi."

"Iwaizumi Hajime."

"So that's why you kept bothering this dumbass. I had a hunch you had a crush on him. There was no heterosexual explanation to your obsession with Oikawa," Iwaizumi said, "Mattsun owes me 20,000 yen."

"You bet on us?!" Oikawa sounded offended.

"Yeah," Iwaizumi said, "I said you guys were going to end up hate-fucking each other at least once. Mattsun thinks you guys will kill each other. I technically won because you ended up dating."

"You're terrible, Iwa-Chan."

"You bet on me hooking up with Sawamura from Karasuno! And you lost!"

"I didn't know you were going to hook up with Sugawara instead! I didn't think you were into that!"

Ushijima was lost. Sawamura? Sugawara?

"Karasuno's Third Year Captain," Iwaizumi explained, "To be fair, I was drunk."

"I still can't believe you hooked up with someone who was going through teacher training."

"Teachers have sex!" Iwaizumi said, "Plus, pre-med is stressful. I hate it. I think I might swap to sports medicine." he said, before taking a sip of his beer, "By the way, Ushiwaka, no refunds. You have to keep him. We're all sick of him."

Ushijima smiled, "Does this mean I have your approval?"

"Are you going to cheat on him?"

"No."

"Are you going to use him for money?

Ushijima held in a chuckle. "No."

"Are you going to fuck him and leave him because he's annoying?"

"No," Ushijima said, "I like listening to him talk, he's always so passionate about things it makes me happy."

"Then, good. No refunds. Keep him forever till he dies."

"Hey!"

* * *

Today marks their first anniversary as a couple, and Ushijima was nervous. It was his first time dating someone for this amount of time, and he prepared a gift for Oikawa hoping that he would like it.

All his gifts so far have been the standard gifts you would give to your boyfriend. Flowers, candy, just any small romantic thing he could think of. He's been thinking about their relationship's future and thinks that they can finally take a small step further.

It's a gift that means a lot to him, and he hoped that Oikawa could see the sentiment in his present for their first anniversary.

He planned to go to the same restaurant that he took Oikawa to for his birthday, this time telling him to dress a bit nicer than normal to give him at least a hint of what was going on. Oikawa was ecstatic. It was his first time too hitting the milestone of dating for one year, as he's always been dumped by his exes for caring more about volleyball than them.

"Waka-Chan," Oikawa grinned, jumping into his arms to give him a hug. "Wow, you clean up _very_ nice. I like it."

"You look even nicer."

"I can't wait to see that suit of yours on the floor of your apartment," Oikawa smirked, "I have something special planned after dinner."

"And I have something special planned for dinner."

"Can't wait," Oikawa smiled, "Damn, this restaurant brings back so many memories. You took me here for my birthday last time."

"I recall you enjoyed the food."

"I did."

"Shall we?"

* * *

Everything was going so well. The food was perfect, and the champagne that he ordered fit perfectly with the menu that he got the staff to prepare for them. All he needed to do was ask him the question.

_Don't be nervous. It's okay_. He assured himself.

It's been a year since he opened up about his insecurities about their relationship, and he feels that he's very certain that Oikawa loved him just as much as he loved him. It took time, and he feels that it was time that he cherished as he spent so much of the past year with Oikawa. Growing and being more open and honest about his feelings. They've grown to love and understand each other over the time that they were together. Ushijima felt ready to finally take the next step to further their relationship to strengthen it more, together, and maybe solidify their future with each other.

His hands felt shaky as he grabbed the velvet box he's been hiding inside of his pocket, and before he could say anything about it, Oikawa beat him to it.

"I got you something. I hope you like it."

"You didn't have to," Ushijima said, "I got you something as well."

Oikawa smiled. "Let's swap, then."

They both took out whatever they were hiding onto the table, and they saw a matching set of velvet boxes, Ushijima's box being slightly larger than Oikawa's.

"Open it together?"

"Okay."

Ushijima took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He didn't think his relationship would progress this much with Oikawa, and everything up to this moment in time felt like a dream. He was scared that everything would disappear when he opened his eyes, and he would wake up all alone with no one by his side.

"Is this your house key?"

Ushijima nodded, "I want you to move in with me."

"I thought you were going to get me a ring. Damn, I feel stupid for worrying when you put the box on the table. I thought it was going to outshine the ones I got us."

_Wait._ Ushijima's eyes shot open. "Y-You got us r-rings?"

"Yeah! Matching ones! Didn't you open it?" 

Ushijima quickly opened the box. Oh my god. There it was.

It was a simple set of white gold bands. No embellishments. Just a standard set of rings that matched.

_This was a dream. There's no way this is reality._

Ushijima pinched himself.

"Look into the one that I got you, the bigger one," Oikawa smiled.

Ushijima took the ring out of the box. There was an inscription in it— _eres mi amor eterno._

"It means I will love you forever," Oikawa smiled. "I worked really hard to get it, you know, it was really hard measuring your finger in secret."

His heart was racing. Oikawa got him a ring. He got a ring from Oikawa Tooru. He didn't think that this was possible. He felt that one day he was going to be the one to get them couple rings. It was going to be something that he got for them once Oikawa moves in with him. He's already planned the way he was going to give it to him, too. He didn't think Oikawa would do it. He didn't believe Oikawa would beat him to getting them couple rings.

"Does yours have an engraving, too?"

"No, I was hoping that you would think of one for me," Oikawa smiled. "I thought it would be more romantic that way."

Ushijima wanted to cry, right there. He could feel tears welling up. He was overjoyed. "I love you."

Oikawa grinned and held his hand. "I love you, too." he said, "Can I put it on you?"

"Yes."

Ushijima couldn't contain his emotions anymore as they put the rings on each other's fingers. After years of pining, he didn't think that his story would go towards a happy beginning, thinking that the end of his love story with Oikawa would inevitably end tragically, with him hurt and broken because Oikawa didn't love him back. Never in a million years that he thought Oikawa would love him back, and to say that this made him very happy would be an understatement.

"I love you so much you have no idea," he said.

"And I love you, too. A lot more than you think."

Ushijima smiled.

"Here's to many more years to come for both of us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it for the main story guys!
> 
> i've decided to change my initial plan and making this into a series instead of a giant story with a lot of chapters hehe. i feel like i can give myself more creative leniency that way because i want to expand their future and their relationship a bit more. i loved writing this story so much, it was my comfort story and i hope you loved reading it too <3
> 
> next one will be a timeskip where Oikawa meets Ushijima's family, starting from Yuuji (formally) to his parents!
> 
> thank you so much for reading and loving this story! i apologise for taking so long to update this chapter, i moved to another country and went through a breakup. i just needed some time to sort myself out.
> 
> hopefully the next story will come out maybe in about 1-3 weeks! i've already planned it and written maybe like 1/3rd of it. i also planned some other stories too hehe. lets see where this road takes us <3


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